Tag Archives: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Summer Movie Preview


Love this guy.

It’s almost that time of year again: Summer Movie Season! *airhorn* No matter how jaded I get to the money-grubbing ways of Hollywood, I’m always excited for summer. I get burned by this excitement pretty regularly, but usually something unexpectedly great sneaks its way in. Last year, Man of Steel bored my red underpants off, but This Is The End was far funnier than a two-hour College Humor sketch should be. Also, Elysium was a g*ddamn mess, but I went home and watched District 9 for the 37th time, so all was good!

So, without further ado, let’s take a final look at these probable disasters before they eat your twelve dollars and waste two hours of your life!

(Preview, in this case, means unfairly judging a movie that I haven’t seen yet, based solely off marketing. Which is what you’re supposed to do, by the way. It’s called being a discerning consumer)

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Trailer for New Turtles Movie


Above you will find the teaser trailer for the Gritty Reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now, look.  a part of me really wants to be cynical about this. I know, as well as anyone, that this a strategically produced and marketed attempt to cash in on the childhoods of my demographic. They recently launched a new series on Nickelodeon and a new line of toys. This is a product, through and through.

But I cannot pretend to be even remotely objective here. I read somewhere that if hindsight is 20/20, then nostalgia is 20/400. I’m completely blind. In my youth, I saw every damn episode of the original show, owned every action figure, and could recite “Ninja Rap” in my sleep. You can tell me this was financed by Al Qaeda and I’d still  have instinctively thought “F*CK YEAH!” when Leonardo jumps off that rooftop.


He should hold those blade down. That’s dangerous.


On top of that, you’ve got A-List “that guy”  William Fichtner and my third-favorite Batman Will Arnett. I also like that the turtles themselves are ugly and kinda scary. They probably should be; they’re f*cking mutated turtles.  Man, when you take a broad look at it, this whole concept is so stupid. Anyway, here’s my money.