Tag Archives: Maleficent

Summer Movie Preview

disneys-frozen-2013-screenshot-oaken-shop-keeper

Love this guy.

It’s almost that time of year again: Summer Movie Season! *airhorn* No matter how jaded I get to the money-grubbing ways of Hollywood, I’m always excited for summer. I get burned by this excitement pretty regularly, but usually something unexpectedly great sneaks its way in. Last year, Man of Steel bored my red underpants off, but This Is The End was far funnier than a two-hour College Humor sketch should be. Also, Elysium was a g*ddamn mess, but I went home and watched District 9 for the 37th time, so all was good!

So, without further ado, let’s take a final look at these probable disasters before they eat your twelve dollars and waste two hours of your life!

(Preview, in this case, means unfairly judging a movie that I haven’t seen yet, based solely off marketing. Which is what you’re supposed to do, by the way. It’s called being a discerning consumer)

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“Hey, kids! Remember the 50s?” – Disney

Since they’ve acquired the rights to – and are already making – new Star Wars films, Disney certainly doesn’t need help in the money-printing department. Certainly not from a scarcely updated blog that isn’t even monetized (you know who you are). However, above you will see the debut trailer for their upcoming marble-mouthed fantasy film Maleficent. This appears to be another installment in Disney’s epic Nobody Remembers This trilogy, which started with The Lone Ranger and will probably conclude with a shot-for-shot remake of Song of the South. 

This shot included

This shot included

I’m well aware that you don’t have to have been a child in 1959 to fondly remember Sleeping Beauty, what with the magic of fat-foam-encased VHS tapes, blu-rays, and various other whatnots. But, as Vince at Filmdrunk.com so succinctly put it, Sleeping Beauty was always just the Gobots to Snow White‘s Transformers. It’s the same damn plot: queen/witch hates beautiful young girl, slips her a magical roofie, prince swoops in and gets some saves the day. The only difference here is Maleficent turning into a dragon at the end, which is just the filmmakers themselves admitting that the character itself isn’t very memorable.

They pulled the same bullsh*t later in The Sword in the Stone.

The biggest counterpoint to this ill-conceived project, though, is that they have a much more recent and far more* beloved pool of material to draw from.  Disney-philes will say this looks interesting and may give it a shot, but they’d be losing their absolute sh*t over, say, a movie called Ursela.  A weird, murky underwater fantasy about that booming she-Kraken sounds way more interesting than yet another generic medieval fantasia.  Not only that, The Little Mermaid is far more contemporary and has a place in the heart of damn near every girl I know. Come on, Disney. That’s a damn softball, and it took me two seconds to think up. I mean, really, take your pick from the last 20 years. Jafar? Hades? The Beast? All would decimate this at the box office in a heartbeat. And you already own them. Get your sh*t together.

Also, no one in the Midwest is going to be able to pronounce the word Maleficent. That’s not going to help.

*far more than baby boomers anyway. And they don’t see anything in theaters that doesn’t have Eastwood.