“Hey, kids! Remember the 50s?” – Disney

Since they’ve acquired the rights to – and are already making – new Star Wars films, Disney certainly doesn’t need help in the money-printing department. Certainly not from a scarcely updated blog that isn’t even monetized (you know who you are). However, above you will see the debut trailer for their upcoming marble-mouthed fantasy film Maleficent. This appears to be another installment in Disney’s epic Nobody Remembers This trilogy, which started with The Lone Ranger and will probably conclude with a shot-for-shot remake of Song of the South. 

This shot included

This shot included

I’m well aware that you don’t have to have been a child in 1959 to fondly remember Sleeping Beauty, what with the magic of fat-foam-encased VHS tapes, blu-rays, and various other whatnots. But, as Vince at Filmdrunk.com so succinctly put it, Sleeping Beauty was always just the Gobots to Snow White‘s Transformers. It’s the same damn plot: queen/witch hates beautiful young girl, slips her a magical roofie, prince swoops in and gets some saves the day. The only difference here is Maleficent turning into a dragon at the end, which is just the filmmakers themselves admitting that the character itself isn’t very memorable.

They pulled the same bullsh*t later in The Sword in the Stone.

The biggest counterpoint to this ill-conceived project, though, is that they have a much more recent and far more* beloved pool of material to draw from.  Disney-philes will say this looks interesting and may give it a shot, but they’d be losing their absolute sh*t over, say, a movie called Ursela.  A weird, murky underwater fantasy about that booming she-Kraken sounds way more interesting than yet another generic medieval fantasia.  Not only that, The Little Mermaid is far more contemporary and has a place in the heart of damn near every girl I know. Come on, Disney. That’s a damn softball, and it took me two seconds to think up. I mean, really, take your pick from the last 20 years. Jafar? Hades? The Beast? All would decimate this at the box office in a heartbeat. And you already own them. Get your sh*t together.

Also, no one in the Midwest is going to be able to pronounce the word Maleficent. That’s not going to help.

*far more than baby boomers anyway. And they don’t see anything in theaters that doesn’t have Eastwood.

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