I genuinely don’t want to write this, but I actually saw three major summer releases in a row this year, which probably hasn’t happened since I became a responsible adult. I also want to put this f*cking series to bed, and this is the only way I can do it.
Plot synopsis: CARS TURN INTO ROBOTS AND FIGHT!!
Honestly, on a fundamental level, that concept will never stop being awesome, but Jesus, man. Get Bay out of there. He doesn’t know when to stop cranking sh*t up to 11. This is generally okay when robots be punchin’, but g*ddamn. With every installment, he insists on cramming about 20 more minutes of stupid attempts at humor, and even more retarded human characters. NO ONE IS COMING FOR THAT! YOU WANT KEN JEONG BEING ANNOYING? HANGOVER 2 IS IN STADIUM THREE ON THE LEFT ENJOY THE SHOW! OH, LOOK: JOHN MALKOVICH IN A WIG. LOLZ!
Here’s the deal: there’s about 89 minutes of awesome escapist entertainment here. Make the robots fight, keep the Labeouf to a minimum, and only have other people around to get crushed and give scale to the robots. I have been an apologist for this series so far, but I’m about ready to throw in the towel. It’s not any worse or better than the previous installments, but I think I’ve just had enough. Of all the retarded too-early-reboot ideas in Hollywood (Spider-man, Fantastic Four) I would be totally fine with rebooting this series with a different director. Like anyone who remembers their ADD meds before driving to the set.
- The opening sequence, which retcons Transformers into the ’69 moon landing, is awesome.
- Sams new lady is played by a Victoria’s Secret model this time around. First of all, f*ck that guy. But, anyway, I prefer her to Megan Fox because she at least knows her place as just eye candy. No one cares, Megan!
- John Turturro is reeeaaaallly close to killing any remaining good faith with his g*ddamn mugging in these movies.
- F*cking product placements is off the charts. At one point Sam watches an entire car commercial on his computer. Subtle.
- Sams parents need to be ejected into space.