New “Narnia” is The Tallest Box-Office Midget

"You're all f*cking fired. Except Serious Cat."

The new Narnia movie hit this weekend, and was met with a collective “shrug” from the movie-going public.  It was the number one movie this weekend, but with a $24 million take (on a $140 million budget), it’s waaaay below the opening of the last two.   The Tourist, starring Jack Sparrow and Couch Lips, opened second at $17 Million, despite looking exactly like 15 other movies that came out this year.  Rounding out the top ten are – Jesus, just go to a legit site .  I’ve got immature remarks and d*ck jokes to write.

Anyway, this waning interest in this series makes sense to me. Two reasons: A) Most people I know only knew about the first book and weren’t even anticipating other movies. B) I’ve always thought this looked like kind of a bland affair anyway; not something that could support a whole franchise. I can’t make too many judgments, having never read the books nor seen any of the movies.  I did hear that CS Lewis wrote the whole thing as a Biblical allegory, which immediately sets off some of my alarms.

Allegories about Christ and other Biblical stories are completely redundant in my opinion.  They already have an epic Biblical Allegory: it’s called The F*cking Bible (original title).  Seriously, have you ever thumbed through that thing? Heroic sacrifices, epic battles, sodomy. This thing has it all.  Seriously, (and regardless of your beliefs) as far as epic fantasy goes, most are pretty tame by comparison.  The Bible is basically “Lord of the Rings” – Gay Midgetry + Satan + Whores.

Now, someone greenlight that pitch.

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